Do you know the name of the great man who is singlehandedly working to bring back the lost art of letter writing? Me neither. But I can tell you who is furiously writing a shitload of letters defending his obvious superiority and brilliance. Hint: His name starts with a “The.”
For example, when the NY Times’ Gail Collins, one of the most respected, gentlest and insightful humorists/columnists in America, had the temerity to question The’s sincerity about running for higher office, The wrote back a nasty letter, enclosed her column, circled her photo and wrote “the face of a dog.”
When Bill Cosby went on the Today show and made a similar statement about The, that he was basically a publicity hound and it was time for him to either actually run or shut up, The said that Cosby’s extremely clear statement was actually “incoherent blabbering” with “hate coming out of his eyes.”
When Vanity Fair blogged that The was getting a bit tiresome, The shot back a letter and hodgepodge of documents to editor Graydon Carter with a vaguely menacing threat: “Graydon, I know far more about you than you know about me.”
When Collins printed The’s childish response to her, including the fact that he spelled the word “too” incorrectly, The said “Collins’ word usage (coming from me, who has written many best sellers) is not at a very high level.”
A third grader could not have put it better. Well actually he could, but that’s not the point. The point is that a man who is used to being surrounded by butt-kissing sycophants is understandably going to be a bit miffed when someone writes anything less than flattering about him.
The most recent example of such an insensitive piece was written by Michael Daly in this week’s NY Daily News, who admitted he was so disgusted with The that he couldn’t even bring himself to type his name. Could you imagine?
Daly also had the nerve to bring up the fact that while The was questioning President Obama’s patriotism, intelligence and place of birth, The had rented out Westchester land to Moammar Gaddafi in 2009 for a huge sum of money when others were refusing to accommodate the vicious dictator. When confronted with this reality, The bragged that “I got in one night more money than I would have gotten all year for this place, and then didn’t let him use it. That’s called being intelligent.”
No. That’s called being greedy and unpatriotic, and having to reneg only when caught doing the dirty deed.
Daly also noted that The is “vulgar, tacky, has the most bizarre hairdo and overinflated ego in New York”, and the ”pout of a trout and preen of a peacock.”
I eagerly await The‘s reply. I imagine it will do for letter writing what the computer did for typewriters.
*with apologies to playwright Stephen A. Guirgis (The Motherf—er with the Hat)
If we ignore “The” maybe he will go back to his big desk in his big office with big pictures on the wall of “The” arm and arm with big people. And maybe he’ll keep his big mouth shut.
At first I thought THE… was up to another publicity stunt. After all, who would really vote for such an egotistical dictator? And yet, he is above the rest in the polls. Go figure America. While I found “The” a wealthy oddity in the past, I truly wonder about his state of mind. Then I thought, “It’s gotta be in the hair.” It’s the F…n hairspray.