The next month promises to be an exciting one for President Trump.
One of my most unreliable White House sources slipped me the transcript of Trump’s meeting with Chief of Staff John Kelly to plan the president’s daily schedule through June. Here’s a sneak peek:
Kelly: Okay sir, tomorrow you watch Fox & Friends from 7 until 9. Just do me one favor? Don’t call in.
Trump: Just for that I will call in!
Kelly: Great. Then at 10 you receive your Intelligence Briefing.
Trump: And at 10:01 I ball it up and throw it in the garbage. Boring crap! What’s next?
Kelly: At noon you have lunch with vice president Mike Pence.
Trump: Are you kidding? That stiff again? Nothing more exciting on the horizon?
Kelly: Yes. On June 12th, you have your big date in Singapore with Kim.
Trump: The blond? Wasn’t she a bunny?
Kelly: Kim Jong-un, sir. The Supreme Leader of North Korea?
Trump: Little Rocket Man! Why didn’t you say so? This is going to be great. When do I get my Nobel Peace Prize? The 13th?
Kelly: Sir, nothing’s been accomplished yet. They might cancel. I don’t trust those guys.
Trump: Did you know Kim’s father said he made 11 holes in one his first day playing golf?
Kelly: That’s why we can’t-
Trump: I made 12.
Kelly: Whatever you say, Mr. President.
Trump: Are you humoring me? I hear that you called me an idiot. Is that true?
Kelly: That’s total B.S!
Trump: Hmm… John, does the name Dick Cheney ring a bell?
Kelly: George W’s vice president?
Trump: That’s the one. Cheney recently said the U.S. should restart “enhanced interrogation.”
Kelly: Enhanced interrogation is torture. Congress outlawed it.
Trump: Fake news! Hey, maybe we can use his torture__I mean enhanced interrogation__ techniques on reporters to get them to reveal their sources on me. That’s brilliant, right John?
Kelly: That’s idiotic. And un-American.
Trump: John, this job seems to be taking a toll on you. I think you’re losing it.
Kelly: Let’s get back to the schedule.
Trump: No need. I’ve decided to hire a guy with the heart of a much younger man. So say hello to your replacement: Dick Cheney!