After numerous shady occurrences, from his less-than-credible re-election to hacking our elections, has Vladimir Putin really been invited by President Donald Trump to visit the White House? The Kremlin says yes, and White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirms the two have discussed meeting in the “not too distant future.”
Here’s an advance copy I received from a highly unreliable source of the speech Putin plans to give here:
“Greetings American comrades! I am humbled that President Trump has honored me with a visit to your beautiful White House, although I have advised him to change the Oval Office drapes, the furniture and the attorney general. He and I were delighted to discover we have so many dreams in common, from doing away with presidential term limits to jailing journalists and political opponents.
“Some dare suggest your president is somehow compromised, a ‘Putin puppet,’ as one reporter who recently disappeared put it. I can assure my American friends that no one ever tells your stable, genius president what to do or say. Isn’t that right, Donald?
“As our talks progressed, a visionary idea struck me: Why not merge into a super force? As a fan of American baseball, I told him it’s like Giancarlo Stanton joining Aaron Judge on the Yankees. What team could be more powerful? Who could challenge us? Incredible! A winner! Trump agreed.
“So, hold tight to your babushkas — the United States and Russia will soon merge into one powerhouse nation! The name we’ve chosen? R-U-S-A. President Trump thinks it’s catchy and marketable, and an offer he can’t refuse. I will keep the title of president, while he chose the designation ‘world’s most brilliant leader.’ Both our national anthems will be maintained, honored and respected (anyone taking a knee in protest during their playing will be kneecapped). In addition, a joint national anthem titled ‘RUSA’ has been composed, to be debuted by the exciting new vocal group ‘Jared and the Useful Village Idiots.’
“So now let’s hear everyone sing loudly: R-U-S-A! It’s fun to live in the R-U-S-A! Did I spot someone out there not singing along? Lock him up!”