Trump Meets Putin: The Secret Tapes

Down in Times Square over the weekend, I was lucky enough to obtain a pirated tape of the Trump-Putin meeting from a street vendor dressed as Jack Sparrow. Here are the highlights:

Trump: “Wow, you’re short! If you had run against me in the Republican primaries, I would have called you Tiny Vlad.”

Putin: “Cute. I would have called you “Tiny Hands.”

Trump: “Then I would have called you—“

Putin (cuts him off) “Okay, why don’t we talk about the issues between our nations?”

Trump: “Issues? Oh sure! But first I want to thank you for your help in the 2016 election. I couldn’t have won it without you. You’re not taping this, are you?”

Putin: “Would I do that to my great comrade Donald? Never!” By the way, your son Donald Jr. was a delight to work with.”

Trump: “Terrific. I’ve already declared for 2020, and would love your assistance.”

Putin: “No problem. But I’d have to ask for something in return.”

Trump: “Of course. I’m the best negotiator in history, so ask away.”

Putin: “I’d like you to end the sanctions you put on my country for invading Ukraine, then interfering in your American democracy.”

Trump: “That’s it? Done.”

Putin: “Really?”

Trump: “Yes. Why wouldn’t I trust you? When I saw that photo of you preening bare-chested and riding a horse, I said, that’s my kind of leader. So, anything else I can do for you, my friend?”

Putin: “Uhm, sure. That Alaska deal we made with you in 1867? It always stuck in my craw. We’d like it back.”

Trump: “You want Alaska back? It’s freezing there!”

Putin: “I’m well aware.”

Trump: “Let me check with Sarah Palin. She can see you guys from her house, you know. But now I need something else from you.”

Putin: “Do you now?”

Trump: “Yep. You didn’t think you’d get off just helping me win the next election, did you?”

Putin: “You are an incredible deal-maker. So what else would you like?”

Trump: “I’ve always wanted to meet Nikita Khrushchev and Joseph Stalin. Could you arrange that?”

Putin: “Nikita–? Uhm, sure, maybe next time.”

Trump: “It was a real pleasure meeting you.”

Putin: “Believe me, the pleasure was all mine. And I’d like to move quickly on that Alaska deal.”

Trump “What’s the rush? You don’t think I’ll be running in 2020?”

Putin: “Oh, I think you’ll be running alright.”

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