No News Is Bad News

Donald Trump has called the news media “the enemy of the American people” and even banned major outlets from some press briefings. If the trend continues, here’s a peek at what a 2018 presidential news conference might look like:

Trump: “Good morning, media flunkies! I mean, fearless journalists. Now that I’ve gotten rid of the fake media, I’m open to discuss anything, including that Russian collaboration nonsense. OK, the gentleman from Tass.”

“Thank you, fearless leader. I notice the price of Russian vodka in America has gone way down. Did you have anything to do with this wonderful news?

Trump: “You bet — the art of the deal. I lift sanctions against Russia and cripple NATO, and you guys give us vodka at half price. A win-win! OK, the reporter wearing the Make America Great Again cap is next.”

“After you dumped Sean Spicer and named that congressman who body-slammed a reporter as your press secretary, some complained that you sent a chilling message to the media. Your response?”

Trump: “Of course it did! That’s why we’ve placed bouncers at the doors. I see the gentleman from Breitbart has a question.”

“Sir, how is your effort to repeal the First Amendment and end democracy as we know it coming along?”

Trump: “Splendidly and bigly! Since we put reporters from The New York Times, Washington Post, MSNBC and CNN in Guantánamo, you guys notice the difference, right? Who needs the First Amendment? Did a free press really keep us honest? Tell me the truth, do I sound more honest to you?”

“Not at all, sir!”

Trump: “Exactly! OK, the babe from Fox News in the tight red sweater has been patient. Oh, and you’re a ‘10,’ by the way.”

“Thank you, sir! My question is, are you really 72 years old? Because you look so youthful and virile!”

Trump: “So true. As my doctor verifies, I am in amazing shape. He’s never seen anything like it. And for those who want to see my medical records, I promise to release them very soon. Probably the day after I release my tax returns. Hah–kidding!

“OK, someone from the Trump Observer has a question. Mr. Kushner?”

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