My friend the Brooklyn genie, who sleeps all year in a magic lamp on the Coney Island beach, emerges again to make his annual predictions__and he’s got some real doozies for 2017. So if you don’t like them, blame the genie.
January 20th, 2017. Donald Trump is sworn in as our 45th President. The Inaugural Ball entertainment is provided by Kanye West and Ted Nugent, who harmonize beautifully on “Ebony and Ivory” before getting into a fistfight and being dragged out by the Secret Service.
February 2nd: Visiting Staten Island on Groundhog Day, Mayor Bill de Blasio flashes a “thumbs up” when told that he has no credible opponent in the 2017 mayoral race. Meanwhile, groundhog Staten Island Chuck Jr. avenges the demise of Staten Island Charlotte (who died after de Blasio dropped her on her head) by chomping on the mayor’s extended thumb.
March 11th: Responding to Trump’s relentless Twitter attacks on him for his devastating impression of the president on Saturday Night Live, Alec Baldwin announces that he will run for president on the Democratic ticket against Trump in 2020__and will campaign wearing the blond wig.
April 18th: The new administration reveals that the last prisoners have been moved out of Guantanamo Bay. In a related development, Trump Kids Inc. announces that they will be turning Gitmo into a “fabulous, world-class resort__the best!” President Trump says he was “surprised and delighted when my children told me about it this morning.”
June 4th: A Saudi prince visiting the White House purchases $3 million worth of bangles from the Ivanka Trump jewelry collection. The president growls at the perception that the prince is buying influence: “He just knows great jewelry when he sees it. The best!”
July 8th: Former NYC Police Commissioner Ray Kelly enters the mayoral race, using the slogan “Thumbs Down on de Blasio!”
August 21: The world braces for the first total solar eclipse since 1979. When it again gets light, we discover Trump has disappeared from the White House, tweeting “Who needs this aggravation? Good luck, Mike!”
August 22nd: Mike Pence is sworn in as our 46th President.
November 7th: Ray Kelly is elected mayor of New York. De Blasio consoles himself with a lovely carriage horse ride around Central Park.
Happy New Year, and good luck to us all!