Before you buy anyone’s New Year’s 2011 forecasts, ask yourself: how many of these 2010 events did they predict?
1) “Jersey Shore” star Nicole (“Snooki”) Polizzi signs a book deal with Simon & Schuster to write a novel.
2) Mayor Bloomberg spends hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars to plaster ads on the subway warning us not to eat soup.
3) New York Jets coach Rex Ryan gives “football” a whole new meaning as a fetish video of Ryan and his wife, with her bare feet dangling suggestively out a car window, surfaces on YouTube, with Sexy Rexy cooing “You have really nice feet–may I touch them?”
4) Lady Gaga attends a NY Met game in her bra and panties, then expresses shock when her photo is taken. When she angrily gives fans the finger, clueless Met officials whisk her up to Jerry Seinfeld’s empty private box. When Jerry finds out, he lashes out at both Met brass and the singer. “You give people the finger and get upgraded? This woman is a jerk–I hate her!”
5) The Fourth of July Nathan’s hot dog eating contest takes a bizarre turn when former champion Takeru Kobayashi rushes the stage after the contest and is hauled away by police. Later in 2010, Kobayashi’s reputation takes another hit when he fails miserably in his attempt to break the Guinness World Record for pizza slice eating at another Brooklyn festival, wailing afterward “The pizza was unsuitable–it was too soft!”
6) The only debate for New York Governor becomes a three ring circus complete with clowns when fringe candidates are given equal time. Debaters include a former madam and a guy who answers each question, whether on real estate, education or the MTA, with “The rent is too DAMN high!”
7) An angry New York City clown protests the growing depiction in the media of inept politicians as “a bunch of clowns.” “It’s very unfair,” protested Keith Nelson, also known as Kinko the Clown of the Bindlestiff Family Circus. “If you look at the history of the American circus, you’ll find it’s one of the most efficient and well-run industries there is,” he sniffed. “Before you call any politician a clown, consider how hard we work. Clowns make people happy–or at least we do no harm.”
Happy 1-1-11! What lies in store for this year? Obviously you never know.