‘Twas the night after Christmas, and all through the yacht, the greedy were grumbling, that’s all that I got?
While millions of Americans had problems scraping up enough cash for any gifts at all during this challenging holiday season, the richest 1% had their share of disappointment as well– like stores running out of the decadent gifts they had their eyes on.
That’s right, I’m talking about the heartbreak experienced by the 1% of Americans with more money than they could spend in 10 lifetimes when someone else snatched up the special gift they had in mind, such as the Lego Replica of Batman that weighs over 500 pounds and is six feet tall. The amount that particular item was sold for is unknown, but such personalized Lego models generally go for about $60,000. I wish someone had told me about this earlier!
But what about that lovely Christmas ornament that Hallmark jewelers was offering comprised of 18 carat white gold, oozing with diamonds and arranged in a snowflake pattern? Unfortunately before I could make it to the counter, the item was snatched up for a mere $136, 000. Damn, and such a bargain!
Ok, what about that guy on my gift list who loves to fly? For just $5,000,000 (that’s five million) dollars, I could have gotten him a gift card from Halcon Jets good for private charter aircraft services on demand, but someone beat me to that as well.
I was ready to settle on just bringing dessert to the yacht, but wouldn’t you know it? By the time I got to Saks Fifth Avenue, they had sold out their “Festive Two-Stack Cheesecake” in a filigreed chocolate shell. The cake weighs about 10 pounds and costs a mere $300 each, but by the time I arrived they were all gone. Just my luck!
When I looked under my tree, I wasn’t thrilled either. Where was my Clive Christian No.1 perfume? No, not the chintzy $650 bottle that the rabble wear. I’m talking about the special version with rare ingredients such as ylang ylang and Sicilian mandarin, that sells for $2,350 and requires a six month wait to allow it to crystalize. Wasn’t anyone thinking last June that I might favor this gift? Judging by the Aqua Velva in my stocking, obviously not.
Yes, I know what you bleeding heart liberals who read my blog are thinking: with 25% of American children now going to bed hungry, with people living in their cars and many having to choose between buying medication or food, there’s something rather obscene about this. But hey, as Herman Cain said, “If you are poor, it’s because you deserve to be!” Maybe they’ll start printing this on our money.
But before they do, let me wish Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to the real New Yorkers (and Americans) with hearts. Because despite this decadent reality, keep the faith: The 99% will prevail yet!
(Jets Make Rough Landing: Click Sports page)